Oh, hey there!
It’s been a while and I keep thinking about how I really want to get back into the swing of blogging, but I keep getting hindered by this idea that I need a good topic, it needs to be perfect, blah blah blah. I decided I just need to get over it and start writing.
Honestly, it’s been a hard week.
There’s a lot going on, in the world and in my personal life, that all seems to be rooted in uncertainty and lack of control. That can be especially tricky when you’re so used to control bringing you a feeling of safety and comfort. This week, I’ve been experiencing a boat load of anxiety, showing up very physically (shortness of breath and hives😔) and painfully emotionally. I was so stuck in my head that I didn’t even feel like I could talk to my partner or my therapist about it.
When I think of my anxiety, I think of my mind being occupied by either the future or the past, or both. I don’t feel very present. I get so stressed out thinking about the things I want to get done in the next hour all the way to ten years from now. And when I think about the past, I get really sad and stuck in nostalgia. It becomes this back and forth nightmare.
So when I felt this build up of anxiety this week, I questioned what specifically was triggering all this. I realized that I’ve been coming face to face with lots of upcoming changes and a lot of it is out of my control. I don’t feel like I have much of a handle on anything.
Cue: anxiety.
Cue: feeling the need for control.
My struggle with anxiety is that I have a hard time separating myself from it. When I experience it, I feel very much in it. So that’s what I’m working on this week. So when I’m sitting on my bed, staring at the ceiling, simultaneously wanting to get a bunch of stuff done but feeling so stuck that I can’t even move, I can allow myself to recognize the presence of anxiety while also understanding that that is not me. I can step outside my brain and see that, huh, you’re experiencing quite a bit of anxiety right now…but that is not me. It’s a lot harder than it sounds, I know. But that’s why we practice!!
So yes, this week has been tough and dear lord, it’s been a tough year. For those who like to plan.. who find comfort in to-do lists..who cope with stress and uncertainty with order and intention.. It’s a crap time right now, and I feel you. How can you stabilize and plan when there’s so much uncertainty taking place in the world right now? How can you ground yourself when your mode of doing so has been taken away? We don’t know what’s going to happen or when things are going cool down. There are fires going on around me this week and I’m pretty sure everything’s going to be fine, but I don’t know it. It’s a LOT to be dealing with, and I’m glad we are. I’m glad you’re here and I commend you for trying and for showing up.
‘Cause I don’t know what’s going to happen either, but I know you’re not alone.
Monika Zsofka 