Happy New Year!
On my flight back to Colorado after my two weeks home for the holidays, I realized I didn’t have a book to read, having finished my last one a few days before. All I had was my journal, which I also completed before the year ended. It was 6:30 in the evening, with zero percent chance of getting my brain to chill out enough for a nap. So I read my latest journal. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but to me, reading old journals feels very similar to listening to a recording of yourself speaking or singing… it’s awkward and no matter how sophisticated you think you are, you sound like you’re twelve. I think that’s why I love journaling so much. Reading back, you don’t really think about what you were wearing, what you looked like or even how old you were. It merely captures your truest and most honest thoughts and feelings from that moment.
Reading my journal that I started a year ago on the third day of this new year felt very serendipitous. It was nice to reflect and see that I accomplished a lot of the things that I had set out to do, like moving to Colorado and really working on accepting and loving myself. I know I got here by believing in myself. Reading my old journal entries showed just how much. Sure, I put in some hard work, but not nearly as much as I could have. I worked maybe an extra five hours a week than normal in order to save up for my move. Nothing crazy. I genuinely believe I got here by putting in the work outside of just the physical. By truly believing that’s what I was going to do and acting like there was no other option. I had no plan B. I even bought the tickets for my flight home for the holidays in May, way before I had a job, a place to stay or even knew for sure that I would be able to afford to move out here. I told myself I was going to make it happen and that I would be using those tickets for a flight home during the holidays.
I think a lot of last year was not only learning a lot about what I want out of life, but actually figuring out a game plan for how to make it happen. I have a clear vision of what I want for myself and I am so ready to go after it. I told a few of my friends while I was home for the holidays these new dreams I had for myself and it felt so good to be open about it. There was definitely a time, not too long ago, when I would only work toward goals in the shadows. I didn’t want anyone to know what I was working towards in case it didn’t work out and I fell flat on my face. I’ve grown so much this year and what I am most proud of is being more fearlessly authentic. Putting who I am and what I’m doing on the table and saying “this is me – take it or leave it.” And if you leave it, that’s fine, too. I think there is so much courage in being open about your dreams, especially if it has nothing to do with your job, or if it’s unusual or unexpected. So my 2018 looks like a whole lot more of putting myself out there. I have this super wonderful dream that I never would have shared with the world until I had everything figured out perfectly. And right now, I definitely don’t. I could change my mind tomorrow or give it my best shot and not have it work out at all and it’d still be worth it. I’ve barely started and it’s already worth it, because I love how much it’s impacting who I am.
It’s only January and I’ve already had a couple major changes take place. My brother started boot camp a couple of days ago and I won’t be able to talk to him everyday anymore for the next three months. I’m moving in with my boyfriend – another first for me. I feel that unsettling sense of uneasiness at the pit of my stomach come and go whenever I’m in the midst of change. I think of my brother telling me, “get comfortable with the uncomfortable.” So here’s to the new year and all the stuff that I don’t have all figured out yet! I don’t have any set resolutions this time around but I think that if I continue with the work I’ve been putting in on myself, I’ll be just as happy next year when I go through my next finished journal.
Monika Zsofka 